Monthly Boulder Constellating Systems Day (CO)

Pulling Curtains Gently
©KD Constellage April 25, 2025 

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Participating in a Constellating Systems Circle is the practice of being with another’s pain while dignifying everyone’s experience. It requires a commitment of your time and attention. It offers unique opportunities to stand in an other’s shoes, while representing a part of their systemic issue (near, literally.) This embodied experience of otherness expands personal experience, it even re–shapes worldviews.

We are beset by heartbreak from countless sources. Lifelong change, and concomitant losses, demand that we live beyond assaults and neglect. We are tasked with carrying fragments and shards of ourselves until they find integration (again). The degree of emotional and physical pain reflects the magnitude of what has been lost.  In the absence of a place to express distress, we revert to habitual ways of managing emotions. We repeatedly say, “I’m fine!” We adapt to relational, familial, social, cultural, and political expectations. In short, individual and collective pain are both left to fester in the dark.

Paralyzed by shock and delayed grief, bereft of ears to listen, eyes to see, and arms to hold us, unknowable pain settles deep within our bodies, infusing our minds and shackling our souls. What’s more, we have been taught that suffering is a sign of weakness, neediness, or brokenness. Unmet pain, however, congeals into bitterness, then anger, and ultimately violence. Pain crystallises into a culture-driven cleaver. it severs connection with our bodies, with others, and with the world at large. Across generations, no less. The present epidemic of personal and systemic trauma and neglect was a long time coming. Tattered systemic fabrics, passed on generationally, were the only place we could belong. We made it, alright, but without the blessing of a collective wisdom that patiently and with intent can, and will, mend broken connections.

When lament is due, we long to be seen and heard. We crave the dew of tears on our cheeks and yearn for communal tears to well up in response. In the presence of another, our courage to ‘feel what is’ inevitably reaches places we may not dare to go alone. Memories stored in the body and silenced vulnerabilities within us dare to emerge. Just as shared joy and laughter are, shared tears become a gift. Indeed, tears are the dew that sprouts buds on the branches of connection among all present. Fortunately, heartbreak also serves as a clarion call to awaken, reimagine, reinvent, and take action.

If there was never a trusted human, that impediment to even seek connection, our group becomes a gentle portal to the practice of sharing ourselves. Should you join us in stepping toward your core wounds —in community, no less– my skill is to make this a gentle ride. Moreover, you will be among poeple who also look for mending such wounds. They have lived experiences that provide supportive seeing and knowing. Their stories of neglect, violation, exclusion, absence, and unpredictability resonate with our own.

Mutual presence in the circle prepares us for updating survival skills, the kind we needed in childhood, to draw curtains over unresolvable pain(s). Tears, and the delight of togetherness (yes, we also laugh hysterically), nourish everyone’s courage. We engage each other gently, sometimes fiercely. We meet and mend whatever broken connections respond to our invocation of systemic healing.

Partaking gifts each of us with being withnessed
 and touched in midst of a culture of pain avoidant distancing.